Insights

Last week Mrs. McIlvoy eloquently opened our conversation on social skills. Her first paragraph discussed that we have learned our social skills from our earliest moments on earth. Our earliest interactions begin to shape and form how we will interact socially. Our students have grown up with the internet. As soon as they got old enough (as determined by you, their parents) they were given a phone with access to the world on it. Their social skills have been shaped and formed by what they have seen on their screens.

As Director of Secondary Student Life, let me tell you some things that I have seen that have influenced your students social skills when it comes to their social media presence.

Our students have seen adults, and their peers, create online personas that are not consistent with who they are in real life. This can go as far as creating accounts simply for the purpose of being hurtful, and borderline hateful, without having your name/image tied to your statement. This shows our students that it is perfectly acceptable to live a life that is fake; that honesty is optional.

Our students have seen adults that they look up to using their social media platforms to cause division instead of being used to seek peace. Because they look up to these adults, they deem this as an acceptable part of life.

Students have access to people who call themselves Christians, but “preach” content contradictory to scripture. In turn, some will take on these beliefs to be true and will begin to wander from the faith. 

Students attach themselves to certain “influencers” and treat their words as gospel, completely disconnecting from those around them who they should be looking to for influence.

They have lost the ability to have conversations that have even the slightest bit of conflict because they have not learned how to deal with criticism, constructive or not.

They have lost the ability to have conversations.

Students have forgotten that words have power and have great impact because they do not see or know those on the other side of the screen.

Lt. General Robert L. Caslen Jr., 29th Superintendent of West Point Academy, when speaking of social media, notes, “Because they cannot directly sense the impact of their words, some people feel unconstrained and say things that are both incongruent with their own values and hurtful to others.” This is what our students are seeing and these are the things that are shaping their social skills.

Here at Logos Prep, we strive to work through these things. We encourage face to face conversations. We ask hard questions and force our students to think through their statements, encouraging consistency of thought. We are all a work in progress. At 38, almost 39, years of age, I have not arrived. I have to fight these urges. I have to fight the inner battles everyday to watch what I post on my social media platforms. My kids will be able to find me one day. I want them to see that their dad was the same both online and offline. I want them to be able to look at me, and in their formative years, before they leave from under my roof, have their social skills, online and offline, molded after the character of Christ. It is a lofty goal, but one very much worth striving for. 

Now to Him who is able to keep us from stumbling and to present us blameless before the presence of his glory with great joy, may we offer Him our lives, both online and offline. May He give us the courage to live our lives, both online and offline, in a way that glorifies Christ, and points our children toward Him. May our lives shape and mold the social skills of our students in a way that is worthy of the Gospel. Amen.

Joel Gutowsky
Director of Student Life
Logos Preparatory Academy

From our earliest interactions, we learn about relationships with others. We learn from both our experiences and observations. Babies who are nurtured and cared for associate reward and safety with human interaction. Those who suffer neglect or abuse develop trust and connection issues. If you are interested in the impact of childhood neglect, I highly recommend the book What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing. Children who had their needs met as babies are given a good foundation for building positive social skills later in life, however, the work has only just begun. In her book Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown makes the observation that every list she has seen of the causes of fear includes the fear of social rejection. While I do not know the exact science or psychology behind when and how this fear develops in children who are being raised in nurturing homes, I do know that we see it begin at very young ages. Over the course of the next five weeks, we will explore ways you can help your child of any age build on the foundation of trust that you began working on from the time he or she was born. 

According to All Learning is Social and Emotional, “Prosocial behaviors cluster into three categories: sharing, helping, and teamwork. I would like to offer the observation that sharing, helping and teamwork each require effective communication skills. In today’s culture of soundbites and text messages, people are losing the art of personal communication. In order to help our children develop healthy relationships, we must teach them about words and their meaning, about eye contact and body language, and about listening to others. This begins with meaningful communication within the home. Sadly, over 60 percent of American families don’t gather once a day for a meal. Meals provide an excellent opportunity for conversation and connection. One of the easiest ways you can help your child learn how to converse with others is to spend time conversing with your child. During these conversations, eliminate distractions like cell phones and televisions in order to teach your child to be fully present with those to whom they are communicating. Modeling effective communication is critical as your child learns how to connect with others. In Caring for Words in a Culture of Lies, Marilyn McEntrye lists four skills and attitudes needed to hold “good” conversation. Those are deliberation, curiosity, listening and honesty. 

Deliberation involves both the intent with which we enter the conversation and the care with which we choose our words within the conversation. This may start by asking the question, “Why am I communicating?” If it is for the purpose of connection, I must be deliberate about focusing my attention singularly on the person to whom I am speaking. For all forms of communication, I must be deliberate about the words I use to communicate my thoughts. As a parent, the best way you can develop your child’s vocabulary is through regular, thoughtful conversation. The next best way to develop vocabulary is through reading. Solid vocabulary is not developed through watching television or being online. Children must read and be read to. Sadly, it is said that a quarter of American adults do not read a single book in the course of a year (Pew Research Council). One way you can help your child develop strong relationships is to provide him with a strong vocabulary.

Curiosity and listening walk together. Conversation must be two-way. As we communicate with another, we must be interested in that person and what they are seeking to communicate to us. We must ask quality questions in order to gain insight and understanding. In the journalism classroom, I taught my students to utilize the five Ws and the H: who, what, where, when, why, and how. Connecting with others requires that we are interested in learning more about them and the things which are important to them. Once we pose a question we must remember to listen carefully to that answer. We listen not only to the spoken words but to the body language being used. We listen without judgment until the speaker has completed his or her thought. We then ask clarifying questions when necessary. Listening requires quieting our own minds in order to truly hear. 

Finally, the art of conversation requires honesty and vulnerability. Brene Brown says, “Vulnerability is not weakness; it is our greatest measure of courage.” Relationships require courage. It can be frightening to know and be known. Some will prove to be untrustworthy and your children will have to know how to navigate that as well. However, in order to develop positive, meaningful relationships, we must be willing to engage. I have often said that relationships are not things that happen to us. They are things we work to obtain.

Tammy McIlvoy
Head of School
Logos Preparatory Academy