Insights
Be A Cheerleader-Not A Critic
“Two-four-six-eight-Who do we appreciate?” Have you ever cheered someone on or had someone cheer you on with this phrase? It feels good! This world can be a beat-down most of the time. When our family members get home our words and actions to them can either be critical or cheer them on to great things.
Have you ever worked really hard on a project only to have the person who you thought would be so proud of you be critical with their first words? It can be devastating. When our children or our spouse works to complete a project, wash the dishes, run an errand for us, cook a meal, fold the laundry, clean out a closet or a myriad of other projects and we greet the final product with “good job but you really should have……,” It can make an imprint on them that we don’t want. An imprint that says they aren’t good enough because they didn’t do it our way. There is a time for teaching someone how to do something, but when they have worked hard to make us proud and we respond with criticism, it can take many, many, many words of encouragement to neutralize the negative from just that one event.
On p.236 of Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, author Stephen Covey says, “When people have done their best, whether it has met your standards or not is irrelevant. That is the time to give them appreciation and praise. When someone has completed a major task or project, or has accomplished something that required supreme effort, always express admiration, appreciation, and praise. Never give negative feedback-even though it may be deserved and even though you do it in a constructive way and with good motives in order to help the person do better. Give constructive feedback at a later time when the person is ready for it.”
That was hard for me to read, but so good for me to hear. I think we are all guilty of being critical at some point with our family. Proverbs 25:11 states, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” We need to lean into the Holy Spirit and listen for the right time for constructive criticism and when the time is for pure cheerleading!
I read a book years ago about being a “balcony person" or a “cellar dweller” in people’s lives. The author, Joyce Landorf Heatherley, talked about being someone who leans over the balcony to be a cheerleader in people’s lives or a basement person who drags them down with their consistent criticism. I want to be a balcony person for my family!
I sent my son-in-love a text this week with the cheer at the top of this blog. I’m sure he thought it was a little dramatic to be sent a text that starts with a cheer but I followed it up with telling him how proud I am of how he is leading my daughter as they endeavor to follow the Lord together. Do I agree with every single decision they are making? No. Is it still right for me to cheer them on with my words and actions? YES! People may think you are a little crazy when you cheer them on but in 1 Thessalonians 5:11 we are called to “encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” If encouraging your people does not come easily to you and you more naturally go to criticism, ask the Lord to help you stop before you speak and temper your words to your family. We have the power to tear down or build up with our words (Prov. 14:1, 18:1) Let’s build the emotional bank account of our families by cheering each other on!
Becky Ross
Primary Education Principal
Logos Preparatory Academy
Being An Askable Parent
I am typically the type of guy who wants to try to fix things with the freedom of knowing if I mess up, it doesn’t really matter because I’ll have another opportunity to figure it out. A few months ago we had an issue in our bathroom that required removing tile and subfloor to access the plumbing under the floor. Needless to say, I didn’t have the opportunity to mess this up and try again if something didn’t work right. So I called my dad.
My dad somehow knows how to fix the majority of things. If he doesn’t, he somehow can figure it out halfway through and make it seem like he knew all along. I kid you not, he came over that weekend, with the exact tools needed to do the job, not having seen the project that was awaiting us in our home that was built 40 years ago.
My dad is an askable parent. From home DIY projects, to “my car is making this sound” questions and “how long should I smoke these baby back ribs at 275?”
As parents we are called to be the main disciplers of our children. The job belongs to nobody else. It’s us. Sure we have help from the church we attend, and in this case, the school your children attend, but discipling our children is our job. How are we supposed to do this if we are unapproachable? How are we supposed to do this if our children can’t trust us to give them honest and truthful answers? As we enter Spring Break we have a great opportunity to pour into our children. To make ourselves available to them. It is my hope that as a parent, my three daughters know they can come to me with their questions, with whatever they need. I would much rather them ask me their questions than find their answers somewhere else.
So, this week, ask your child! Ask them “do you feel comfortable asking me questions?” “Is there anything you don’t feel comfortable asking me about?”
May this week be the start of us all becoming more askable parents!
Joel Gutowsky
Director of Student Life
Logos Preparatory Academy
Communication With Discernment
One of my favorite tips on parenting doesn’t actually come from a parenting book, but from the Corrie Ten Boom book, The Hiding Place. Corrie tells a story about a time as a young girl she asked her father a very serious question. The wise father decides that Corrie at her young age is not developmentally ready to hear the answer.
“He turned to look at me, as he always did when answering a question, but to my surprise he said nothing. At last he stood up, lifted his traveling case off the floor and set it on the floor.
Will you carry it off the train, Corrie?" he said. I stood up and tugged at it. It was crammed with the watches and spare parts he had purchased that morning. It's too heavy," I said.
“Yes," he said, "and it would be a pretty poor father who would ask his little girl to carry such a load. It's the same way, Corrie, with knowledge. Some knowledge is too heavy for children. When you are older and stronger, you can bear it. For now you must trust me to carry it for you.”
Communicating in a way that a child is not ready developmentally can produce frustration for both you and your child. Within a family, you can have multiple developmental stages not only physically, but also emotionally and socially. The different stages can hinder how families successfully communicate. Knowing the “ages and stages” of development help in communicating within a family and can reduce frustration. An example would be giving a young child multiple step directions when the child truly can only do one thing at a time. Understanding motivation and ability within the developmental stages can also help. Some children follow directions better when they understand the “why” and others need to be told how to do things. Stephen Covey in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families found it helpful for families to discern whether something was age appropriate by asking the following three questions:
Should the child do it? (a value question)
Can the child do it ? ( a competency question)
Does the child want to do it? ( a motivation question)
Training in communication takes time and sometimes lots of patience! Children seek to be understood even when they have limited language skills. Knowing your child and listening to your child will improve their ability to listen and talk with you. Communication takes practice while the child grows.Stephen Covey suggests the traits of good family communication is to “seek first to understand” and then “seek to be understood”. Knowing how to communicate and when to communicate items with our children releases our children from carrying a burden they are not quite ready to bear.
Resource:
Covey, S. R. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. Franklin Covey, 1997
Leah Rabb
Elementary Education Principal
Logos Preparatory Academy
